Queen's Speech #6

The Queen is a tough job for a number of reasons but one of the most difficult can be the sheer act of living your best life at all times. You see, it is essential to live the best life you possibly can in order to be The Queen. After all, one of the main functions of being The Queen is inspiring others to live their best lives. How can one inspire that in others without proving their ability to do it for themselves? Also, by living your best life you also provide the people with something to strive for - they see the life that you gave been able to achieve and want it for themselves, giving them incentive  to work harder to achieve the things they want out of life. It's part jealousy and part positive example. Whichever way you choose to look at it, it definitely works. I can attest to this, as I have had several instances, personally, in which seeing somebody else succeed and live their best life has given me a push in the right direction in my own life.

Knowing that this is a necessary piece of this puzzle, of course, does not make it any easier to accomplish. There are so many things in life, so many distractions and such, that can throw you off of the course you are on. It is of the utmost importance, though, that you do everything in your power to avoid these things that throw a wrench into your best life plans. All of those little things are nothing more than you sabotaging yourself. I am a firm believer in the concept that we create every element of our own lives and that everything that happens to us in life is created by a thought or an emotion that we have had. If we let our thoughts get out of control we will surely find ourselves in a mess of a life and losing sight of the fact that we brought it all on and ultimately have the power to take it all away. All we have to do is, shift our focus to the things that  we really want out of our lives.

I have spent a long time now holding myself back in many different ways and stopping myself from saying the things I need to say or doing the things that I want to do. I have, for reasons I haven't figured out yet, made myself so much smaller than I have ever been before in my life and smaller than I ever want to be. Most certainly, smaller than The Queen that I know I am inside. No more, though. The Queen is who I have always been  meant to be and the time has finally come to throw caution to the wind and simply be who I am destined to be. Nothing else really matters in the end.

Queen's Speech #5

I have spoken of it before in this blog but I feel like it can't really be said enough - The Queen must be an artist. It is essential for The Queen to deliver their message to the world in a way that they find accessible & are able to relate to. There is no greater tool for that type of communication than the arts. While it can be argued that being The Queen is an art in itself, it is not one that everybody is going to be able to relate to, as not everybody has come to realize yet that they are able to be The Queen, as well.

That having been said, I have been focusing on working creatively a lot lately. In particular, I have been working with the art form that I have always felt closest to/been most passionate about: Songwriting. Since I have been working in this medium so much lately, (& making great strides in a new direction in it,) I felt that it would be a good idea to share even more of my recent works.

"Half A Life"

Your face has lost it's sparkle
Your smile has lost it's shine
I've lost the comfort of feeling like
You would always be a friend of mine

Your eyes have lost their luster
Your voice has lost it's tune
I've lost the comfort of feeling like
You & I were immune

It seems like you don't care anymore
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day
It seems like nowhere's an open door
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day

Your days with me are numbered
Your actions keep telling me so
I've lost the comfort of feeling like
I would never want to let you go

It seems like you don't care anymore
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day
It seems like nowhere's an open door
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day

Cos' all you're doing now is living half a life
All you're doing now is barely enough to just survive
All you're doing now is living out a lie
& all I'm doing now is watching you slowly die

It seems like you don't care anymore
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day
It seems like nowhere's an open door
But there must be a better way
To make it through the day

**************

This song was written in the style of many of my older songs, lyrically, but in terms of the melody and general flow of the song, when being sung, it is very different for me. The general concept of this song is simply watching a person change and, even more, watching your own feelings about them change. These lyrics are very personal to me and have been directly inspired by a situation in my life recently. Also, I just have to add, my favorite line in the song is in the chorus where it says, "it seems like nowhere's an open door."  That line, to me, says it all. It's like saying, we are right on the verge of nothingness and it is just waiting to happen.

"Addicted To Your Touch"

You make everything feel so sexy
But everything you do wrecks me
& I'm never coming back again

You keep me feeling so erotic
But like Britney said, you're toxic
& I'm much better off in the end

It's just right now I'm craving you
My body is aching for the things that you do
I've let others touch me but they never get through
Nobody else can get to me quite like you

But it's not enough
It's never enough
I have to resist you
Even if it's tough
It's not enough
It's never enough
I can't keep coming back to you
Even if I'm addicted to your touch

Your loving's so exotic
& I just can't help but want it
But I know I have to give it up

Everything feels much better with you
But I know I have to quit you
Cos it's never gonna be enough

It's just right now I'm craving your lips
My body is aching for the way that you kiss
I've let others touch me but you've got a special twist
Nobody else can get to me like this

But it's not enough
It's never enough
I have to resist you
Even if it's tough
It's not enough
It's never enough
I can't keep coming back to you
Even if I'm addicted to your touch

You've got me acting like a fiend
Theres something about you I need
You've got me stuck in between
But it doesn't mean a thing
Cos every word you say is a lie
I can't see who you are inside
Theres so much that you have to hide
You've got me living half a life

& It's not enough
It's never enough
I have to resist you
Even if it's tough
It's not enough
It's never enough
I can't keep coming back to you
Even if I'm addicted to your touch

***************

The first thing I have to mention about this song is the fact that it references the song before it, except it's looking at it from the opposing point of view. I like this song a lot because it reminds me of some of the style of pop I listened to in my teen years. Melodically, it is very reminiscent of the type of song that could have been on Mandy Moore's first album or something like Backstreet Boys or Five. It's like that slightly more edgy pop with an urban twist that has been severely lacking in the music industry recently. Lyrically, on the other hand, this has much more of an adult vibe, reminiscent of some of the dance artists at the time, like Kristine W or Amber. The whole thing is very early 2000s to me.

"Lost In This Memory"

You touch me & I want to die
It will never be this good again
Teardrops falling from my eyes
It's all coming to an end

All we have is right now
It will have to be enough
I'll make it through somehow
But I'll forever be
Lost in this memory of you

Lost in this memory of you
Lost in this memory of you
There is nothing I can do
Lost in this memory of you

You kiss me & again I fall
I'm starting out over again
I'd willingly give up my all
To stop this coming to an end

All we have is this moment
All we have is here & now
I won't allow any hope in
But I'll forever be
Lost in this memory of you

Lost in this memory of you
Lost in this memory of you
There is nothing I can do
Lost in this memory of you

You touch me & I want to die
I want to fall to my knees & cry
I want to give up all of my life
I just can't say goodbye

You touch me & I fall apart
It's like a knife right through my heart
Why must we finish what we start?
Don't leave me in the dark

All we have is right now
It will have to be enough
I'll make it through somehow
But I'll forever be
Lost in this memory of you

Lost in this memory of you
Lost in this memory of you
There is nothing I can do
Lost in this memory of you

All we have is this moment
All we have is here & now
I won't allow any hope in
But I'll forever be
Lost in this memory of you

Lost in this memory of you
Lost in this memory of you
There is nothing I can do
Lost in this memory of you

***************

This is, by far, my favorite of the new songs that I have written. Immediately, it feels reminiscent of something from "Out Of Control" era Girls Aloud to me, which is a sound that I completely fell in love with, but lyrically it is a very personal song to me. This song was inspired by a time in my life when I was desperately in love with somebody who I knew was only with me for a limited time. I spent a very long time lost in that memory.

So, that is that. I really feel as though I am kind of at the top of my game as a songwriter, which is great because there are some very interesting possibilities coming up for me that will require my very best. I know that I can rise to the occasion. After all, that's just what The Queen does

Queen's Speech #4

It is without question that trying to live up to a title like The Queen can be very difficult. Being The Queen means a lot of different things. One of the most important aspects of being The Queen, though, is poise. In particular, maintaining your poise in times of great pressure or stress - times when lesser beings are likely to crack. It is extremely important for The Queen to stand strong and hold tightly to their convictions, if for no other reason than to serve as an example to others. That is, after all, what it means to be a leader. Still, this can be one of the most difficult aspects of "queendom" to gain control of.

For this Queen, in particular, it is becoming increasingly daunting. It's not that I am not pulling it off so much as it is that I am finding it more & more difficult to maintain my faith in what I am saying in order to remain poised. Life can throw so many different difficulties your way but at the same time it cannot at all. You see, I have always believed that life is what you make it & that we have control over the things that happen to us and how we allow ourselves to be affected by it. Where this becomes difficult is when other people get involved. You see, not everybody lives by the same belief system that I do and will hear others speaking their opinions on situations, or saying generally negative things about life in general & they will come to question the things that are happening in their lives. This is where one differentiates reserves from the rest in order to stand tall as The Queen. The Queen will always remain steadfast & do everything in her power to prove to the rest of the world that she has control over her own life & what happens to her, & show them that they can, as well. This is what I am trying my best to do right now but it is coming with a lot of opposition. This is fine - every Queen has to face these types of adversarial forces but only a true Queen succeeds.

I will prove myself to be a true Queen. I will do everything in my power to prove myself. In the words of the Lady Gaga song that is the inspiration for this entire blog, "This is my chance to release it."

Queen's Speech #3

One of the most important things to remember about a Queen, whether your aim is to be one yourself or simply to follow one, is that even The Queen is human. A Queen is no different than anybody else at her core. This is the reason that anybody can become one. This is something that I truly do believe - in writing this blog and talking about trying to become The Queen that is inside of me, the main thing I have neglected to mention thus far is the fact that I am not the only one with The Queen inside of me. We all have a Queen inside of us. We all have the power to be The Queen, or anything else that we may want to be. I don't presume to be any better, more powerful, more special or more anything else than anybody else in the world. We all have this power. We don't all use it, but we all have it.

That having been said, sometimes a Queen will fall victim to the same issues that everybody else does. For example, The Queen is not above falling victim to illnesses. This has been proven many times throughout history but most recently it has been proven in my own life. You see, I have spent the past three or four days with a runny nose, a congested head and a whooping cough. It has not been a positive experience and, even more, it has prevented me from fulfilling the duties I have committed to as The Queen. You see, The Queen is also not above skirting her Queenly duties when feeling under the weather, or even when just having a few small time management issues. The key to being The Queen, though, is recognizing, accepting, admitting, explaining and atoning for when such mistakes are made.

I set forth with this blog with the intention of posting at least three times per week. I made a commitment to my people and to myself that I would keep up with that regimen... and yet, here it is, a full week since my last post. I expect better of myself. It has just been a difficult adjustment period since moving into my new palace. My time is suddenly a lot more shared than it has been in a very long time. You see, recently I went from sharing an apartment with my mother to renting a room from my sister and her family. The differences are many. It is, in most ways, a very positive change, however it is taking a lot more adjusting than I had initially suspected. I am spending a lot less time on my own, which is largely a positive change, but it has left me with less time to fuss about and do the things that I have been used to - like spending hours on the internet blogging and sharing my thoughts with the world. This is probably a positive change, as well, as I am not entirely certain how much the world really needs of my thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that my thoughts have a very high value but I feel like they should perhaps be shared a little more sparingly. After all, the most valuable things in life are only made more valuable by their availability, (or lack thereof.)

Of course, using that logic, I could easily turn this whole thing around and say that the fact that I did not make three posts for the week is a positive... but I am not going to do that. This has been kind of a challenging week, in a lot of ways. Aside from my illness, I also had to make the difficult decision to push back a planned visit with my best friend from California. It's something that I was, and am, really looking forward to but it is not as feasible, financially, as I had initially thought. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly feasible... just not as soon as initially planned. Financials are another big space for adjustment for me right now... but I am sorting it out just fine. I've also been having a bit of trouble with letting other people's attitudes affect me. I just find that people have such a natural tendency to be negative and I try really hard to not allow that to change my attitudes towards life, but that can prove very difficult. It has been more of a struggle than usual this week than usual. Of course, this is one of the main point where The Queen will differentiate herself from the rest of the world. The Queen will always find a way to stand her ground and remain her usual loving, positive self regardless of how many naysayers they may be surrounded by. Others will follow suit eventually.

For now, this Queen is still rather ill and must be off to bed, with the aid of a magical green elixir known as Nyquil.

Queen's Speech #2

What does it mean to be The Queen?

That is exactly what this blog is about - finding a way to truly embody the Queen that is inside of me. In order to become The Queen, though, one must determine what being a Queen truly means. As I mentioned in the previous post, to me, being The Queen is all about being an inspiration. Inspiration is a funny thing, though, because you can't inspire anybody if you can't get them to pay attention. After all, how can one lead if they do not have anybody else to follow them? I have always been, and remain, a firm believer in the concept of leading by example - if I live my best life and the type of life that I want to see others leading, they will eventually follow... so long as they see it. I like to think that I have done a decent job of this in my day-to-day life and have served as an inspiration in many ways to the people that surround me. In order to make any major impact, though, one has to do something on a larger scale. This has always been where art comes in.

It is no secret to anybody that art has always been, and surely always will be, one of the biggest factors of my life. I believe that there is no greater way to inspire others than through art. This being said, it seems essential that, in order to be The Queen, one would have to be an artist in some form or another. Personally, I have explored many different forms of art - the visual, the written word, fashion and, perhaps most notably, the art that I create on my face every morning. Still, no other art form has meant more to me than music. Before I am anything else in this world, I am a songwriter. It has always been my strongest passion in life and the one thing that has meant more to me than any other. One way that I can always tell that things are not well in my life is when I stop writing songs. Sure, oftentimes when things are not going well I will wind up writing songs about it but those are more surface issues or things that can be easily resolved. It is when I stop writing that I know something is truly wrong. I only bring this up because up until this past week, I hadn't actually written a single song in nearly 4 months. Things were not going great in that time and I lost any sense of direction I had previously had in my life... but that time is over now. You see, songwriting has once again proven to be the biggest mile-marker, or sign of change, in my life. If there is any one thing I could inspire others to do in life, it would definitely be to develop some sort of creative outlet for themselves. I feel that it is an absolute necessity to surviving this life with your sanity intact.

All of that having been said, I felt it only appropriate to share the lyrics that I have written here. I wrote two brand new songs over the past few days, both of which I am very proud of. While they are a return to form for me, as far as the practice of songwriting, they are also a step in a brand new direction for me in terms of the style they are written in, as well as the subject matter. They are both very strongly inspired by the type of music that I have always loved listening to but said I would never actually want to create - the music of artists like Lady Gaga, Robyn, Simon Curtis, etc. The songs, melodically and with the slight structure of instrumentation I have developed in my head, are undeniably dance music, which is pretty well uncharted territory for me from a songwriting perspective. I think they have come out well, though. Please feel free to leave any feedback you may have about them. Unlike the matriarchs of many monarchies, this Queen is open to and very willing to accept any criticisms or praise one may have.

"Nothing At All"

In the biblical sense I have known you
I have partaken of your flesh
But in the spiritual sense, you are a stranger
I couldn't possibly know you less

I have tried so hard but you cannot see
How I've given you so much of me
When you haven't given me anything

All that I have received from you
All that I have believed to be true
All that I had seen in you
Adds up to nothing
All that I was dreaming of
All that I thought we could become
All that I have known of love
Adds up to nothing
Nothing at all

In the literal sense I have touched you
I touched you right from the start
But in the spiritual sense I've never even come close
I've never come close to your heart

I have tried so hard but you never knew
How much of myself I gave up for you
When you haven't even given me the truth

All that I have received from you
All that I have believed to be true
All that I had seen in you
Adds up to nothing
All that I was dreaming of
All that I thought we could become
All that I have known of love
Adds up to nothing
Nothing at all

There isn't a thing that I can do
To get back what I gave to you
Or go back on what I've gone through
Or unbelieve words that were untrue
There isn't a thing that I can say
To take this darkness away
Or go back & make you stay
I will never see that day

All that I have received from you
All that I have believed to be true
All that I had seen in you
Adds up to nothing
All that I was dreaming of
All that I thought we could become
All that I have known of love
Adds up to nothing
Nothing at all

 *****This is a song that I wrote about somebody that I knew a very long time ago. It is a very honest depiction of the situation I was in with that person. It is basically a discussion of having a one-sided relationship, where it is strictly physical to one person and emotional to the other.

"Nothing but Flesh"

Mounds of flesh, that's all we are
Just skin & bones & these two hearts
Nothing in this world could ever tear us apart
All we have to do is start

Look beyond my labels
Look beyond my name
Can't you see, you & me
We are one & the same?
I'm so tired of playing these games

Strip away my body
Strip away my dress
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Strip away your inhibitions
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Can't you see, you & me
We are one & the same
So stop playing with me
I'm so over the games
Strip away my body
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh

Mounds of flesh, that's you & I
We are nothing but what can be seen in our eyes
Nothing in this world could make me say goodbye
All we have to do is try

Strip away my body
Strip away my dress
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Strip away your inhibitions
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Can't you see, you & me
We are one & the same
So stop playing with me
I'm so over the games
Strip away my body
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh

Forget about what anybody else has to say
You'll never live your own life living that way
Forget about what anybody else might think
Go ahead, dive in & let yourself sink

Into my flesh, my flesh, my flesh, my flash
Into my flesh, my flesh, my flesh, my flash
Into my flesh, my flesh, my flesh, my flash
Into my flesh

Strip away my body
Strip away my dress
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Strip away your inhibitions
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh
Can't you see, you & me
We are one & the same
So stop playing with me
I'm so over the games
Strip away my body
I couldn't care less
Strip me down
Til I'm nothing but flesh

*****This is a song about a more recent experience of mine. Actually, if I'm being honest, it can't really be narrowed down to any one recent experience so much as it is about a number of recent experiences. In fact, while the lyrics are fairly sexual in nature, it doesn't necessarily even have to be referring to that sort of experience in my life, which opens it up to even more of my recent experiences. Essentially, though, this is just a song about wanting somebody to look past the surface and accept you for who you are underneath.

As I mentioned above, these songs are quite the departure for me, in terms of style and subject matter. I have never written songs with quite so sexual undertones that I have felt comfortable with. I have attempted to write sexual songs in the past but they always felt strange and uncomfortable to me. I think the difference between those songs in the past and the ones above is the fact that the sexuality in these songs is not as much the actual focus of the songs as it is the framework for what the songs are really about - it is almost metaphorical sexuality but not entirely. The references to sexuality are not simply representing something else, (they are definitely in reference to feelings of a sexual nature,) but they also represent something deeper. Like I said, it is new ground for me in many ways... and new ground that I intend to explore further.  

Another key element of becoming The Queen, as far as I am concerned, is a constant state of evolution. Whether you are The Queen, The King, The Court Jester, a peasant or whatever else in life, evolution is key. Life is no longer worth living if you are not eternally learning, growing and changing. The main thing that the two songs above represent to me are signs of an evolution in my life; the evolution into Queendom. What exactly that means, or where exactly that road will take me, is yet to be determined... but I am down for the ride.

Queen's Speech #1

Since ending my year-long blog project, "The Story Of One Year," I have made several attempts to start blogging again. First I tried a themed blog, called "Messy Little Raindrops," which was supposed to be documenting my search for love and all the "messy little raindrops" that come along with it. This blog wound up with a total of seven or eight posts in total before I tossed it aside completely. It was a good idea but I feel like it was a bit too niche to keep my attention long-term, not to mention the fact that I have wound up giving up on the whole idea of "searching" for love. I have come to the realization that love is something that you can't really go searching for - you just have to find it when you find it. The second blog I attempted was called "Beauty In The Mirror," which was meant to be the start of my online beauty empire. It was meant to be a blog to correlate with my YouTube makeup tutorial and product review videos. The issue was the fact that I didn't have any makeup tutorial or product review videos at the time and didn't want to start filming any because the lighting in my house at the time was so bad. I have since moved but have yet to figure out the lighting in my new house, as I have been really pre-occupied ever since the move. I didn't wind up making a single post in that blog. Then came the weird micro-blog sort of deal, also known as Tumblr. Tumblr, I quickly realized, is not really a place to maintain an actual, full-length blog. It was more a place to post pictures and try to interact with other users and such... like Twitter but bigger. Tumblr is still a lot of fun to dick around with but it isn't the answer to my blogging needs. So, I have for the past couple of months just been leaving the blogosphere alone...

...but I still felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings and put it out into the world.

That's what brings me to this. Starting from scratch. I have learned from my past blogging experiences that a regimen of some sort is good for me. So, I have decided not to do a daily blog but a 3-days-a-week blog. I figure that 3 blogs every week is manageable. I can definitely handle that. Some weeks it will likely be more often, depending on what's going on, but I am vowing for it to never be less than that.

So, where does this new blog begin?

Well, I suppose I'll start with the title of this blog. Quite simply, as with many things in my life, it all stems from a Lady Gaga song. As anybody who knows me knows by now, I am a HUGE fan of Lady Gaga's. She has yet to release any music that I have not absolutely loved. On her recently released masterpiece of an album, entitled "Born This Way," there is a track that connected with me perhaps more than any previous track from Gaga, called "The Queen." The chorus of this song has become my personal anthem and mantra, "I can be the queen that's inside of me, This is my chance to release it, be brave for you, you'll see, I can be the queen you need me to be, This is my chance to be the dance I've dreamed, it's happening, I can be the queen." That is kind of the perfect description of how I feel in life right now. I know that there is a queen inside of me; a strong, powerful queen who is ready to lead. I have always felt that this was my place in this world - there is a kingdom, or queendom, full of people in this world that I was meant to lead. When I say lead, I don't mean that I am meant to lay down the law or tell them what to do or anything of that nature. What I mean is that I am meant to incite emotion in them and inspire them to go out and do greater things than they would have otherwise. It is my job and my pre-destined mission in this life to be an inspiration to others. I am at a place in my life now where it is finally time for this "prophecy" to be put into play. I know that I have it in me. I know that I can do it...

I can be the queen.